Tuesday, February 22, 2011

He touched me.

And made me whole.

The rest of the story...

For 9 months (they have not gone by fast ...) I have struggled as a mom...with a very maternal heart...to feel connection to 2 little boys that God told me would be ours. They are ours. They have our last name. I went through the hardest test of my life to make them ours. They live in our house. They depend on us 100% for everything. They are our children. But they didn't feel 'mine'. There was no extra pitter patter in my heart when I looked at them. I didn't 'feel' what I felt for our bio children. Did I rise above this..? Absolutely. I just did what I did on a daily basis out of pure obedience. God didn't ask me to fall in love with them, He told me to love them. That is what I did.

Then...in a moment. In a blink...

Something happened.

I was leaving to go out somewhere and I leaned over the counter where Zion, Duka and Zano were all doing some coloring. I kissed each one goodbye on the cheek, as I have done many many times. I told them I would be home soon. And instantly...something happened. I literally felt this part of my heart open...and become alive. It started pumping for the very first time. You know when you have a biological baby and you wonder how in your picture perfect life you'll find room for one more...love for one more...and the moment you have that baby you feel something...deep inside. There's actually a feeling...a real feeling of new love. That is what happened in this moment. Though...it was even more drastic. I got in the suburban and just stopped. Stared. Cried. Tried to pray. There was nothing to say. I knew what had happened.

Ahhh Janice. Though the world sees and soon forgets.... will you...? Will you forget who I am and what I've done for YOU, Janice? Do you really think I want you to live out of duty forever...? Do you really think I'm not capable to give you something that only I could give? Did I not form your heart and keep it beating for 30 years...? Am I not the maker of your emotions...? I am the one you have cried out to for 9months asking 'how...why...help!!" and I have heard your cries.

Yes God speaks to me. You ever just sit and listen to Him speak? And it's not your thoughts and not your feelings and often if you are like me you argue...then you realize...this is the God who made me...who died for me...who lives inside of me. My Comforter. Oh He is so real.

I told Dean that night that a 'monumental moment' happened earlier and I was not ready to share.

I shared with no one.

Five days later...

Dean and I went to Olive Garden on a date. I knew it was time to share. I would often catch him watching me at this new level of interaction with the twins. I knew he was wondering what in the world was up. So I told him. He just sat and stared at me and smiled. I think he knew. He knew 'something' happened.

That was February 5. A day I won't forget. Don't I have other reason to forever remember that date...? God is so interesting. February 5 is also the day my little Azlan Honor's face was forever changed with his cleft lip surgery. A day seared on my heart forever.

On the outward...not much has changed. On the inward...transformation. When you don't do things because you SHOULD and because it's RIGHT and because it's just plain OBEDIENCE (all are good things and good reasons!) but because there is a connection, something deeper...a sense of 'ownership'...there is so much more joy.

Have the twins noticed...? Definitely. Everytime I leave the house Duka comes bolting out for a hug and kiss. That has been non existant for the first 9 months, for sure.

One thing I knew for sure...God had so much more in mind when He said to me...on that plane ride home from Zambia...
Though the world sees and soon forgets... we will not forget who You are and what You've done for us.

Oh that trip was only the beginning.

Those 26 days in Africa...were only the beginning.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Janice - I have been waiting for the rest of this story... and I am SO thankful to read it and hear about your heart transformation. God is soooo good. Praise Him! :) hugs