Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm ready.

Most people don't know this, though I've been very open about the entire journey....

I have never read this blog. I haven't reread posts before I submitted them....(thus the typos I'm sure that exist)...I've just written. Many times...through tears.

I'm ready. I'm ready to relive and heal.

"This is where the healing begins....
ooooohhhh...
this is where the healing starts!
When we come to where we're broken within...
the light meets the dark...."


(10th avenue north)

9 months later...I'm ready to walk through Africa again. All that it symbolizes to me...the anticipation...obedience to a God that is so much bigger than me and all my stuff...intense pain from separation from the family I love...grief of saying goodbye to another baby...alone....bringing 2 little boys home to where God wanted them to be. Heal my heart Lord.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

32 weeks pregnant and other updates

Yes I actually am saying about my own pregnancy...WHERE DID THE TIME GO!? Crazy. I'm choosing to enjoy the last several weeks b/c I always miss it when the baby comes. I'm feeling great and the baby...does the weirdest inside outside flips ever and I feel like all my mid section flips :)

School is going incredible with Tirzah and I must say it is incredibly rewarding to teach your child how to read. She is so so ready (which is so nice not to be forcing it) and the ciric. we are using really puts her into the full force reading really quick after a 12 week program of phonics. It's just been awesome to see her 'get it'.

The boys are doing great...all 4. It's been a record 5 weeks of NO accidents at all. No day time 'peeing-the pants' no bedwetting, nada. You have no idea the progress that was made. Like...8 mths ago...Zunduka came home on the airplane in diapers and wetting them. In the day. It's been a lot of work and a lot of mega consistency even when we were like "AHHHHHHHHHH".

The other night Dean called the kids to come watch a movie as Mama had people downstairs to hear a presentation and when they came in I looked at Dean and said "um just telling you...someone...is wet" He looked at me ... I looked at him and said "yes it's been forever....but you need to check them all"....he asks if anyone has peed in their pants and Zunduka looked mighty guilty.....I guess one close look and he understood it was much much worse. Much worse than we were prepared for. Not only had he peed his pants "back when I was playing in the playroom"...but he had pooped in them too and now at least an hour later was perfectly content to be sitting in it. On our bedroom floor, to watch a movie.

We have learned from these past few months that while our natural tendacy is to go "ok he has not done this for 5 weeks...I'll show some grace" it's very very weird but you simply can't. Because the very next day...he will do it again. So along with the discipline...Dean chose to let the other 5 watch the movie and mr. Zunduka was not allowed to. This was pretty drastic to him and while we were still going "what was he thinking to poop his pants and SIT IN IT for an hour and tell no one??" maybe we'll never know. But ... now I do know why I entered the room and immediately smelled something...bad. :)

Our weather has been amazing lately which is awesome for all of us. The kids get to go outside and play which has been missed by them all.

Back to the title...32 weeks and the countdown is on. I would guess ... 6 wks left. With Azahria my water broke at 38 weeks (at Olive Garden... ;) and with baby number 5 I don't see me going past that :)


Sunday, January 9, 2011

A month's worth of updates!

Well lets see. It's been a good month. December 15th my parents came...and we haven't seen them in 2 years! They were flying in late and Tirzah and Zion took a nap to try to stay up. Well their flight was delayed so it was VERY LATE! My kids' 8pm bedtime was stretched to after 1am! :) And the best part was no one knew WHO was coming :) It was so cute and everyone waiting at the airport was loving the suspense. It was Mr and Mrs Claus...well when Mom and Dad walked in the kids still did not register and were like "ummm grampa....??" when it's Papa :) A fun night.

That night I slept awful. With a tight chest and finding it hard to breathe, I woke in the morning feeling worse. Every time I stood I was extremely dizzy and I just felt "something wasn't right". I'm seriously just about never sick. I haven't had a flue in 2 years or so. This was all playing into my 'alarm' of my weird symptoms. No one in the house was sick. So I called a friend of mine over who is also a Labor and Delivery nurse. She looked at me and specifically at a vein in my leg that is not good and my doctor has been watching it...and said "you just need to go in..if it IS a blood clot...you need to be in there". So Dean and I (yes, together! We had babysitters!) went to L&D. We were put in a room and within 10 minutes Dean was calling the nurses in as I was passing out...laying down. They came in to find my heart rate over 160 and my bp 120/80 (which looks normal but my top number never tops 100) so it was high for me. I was gasping for air. That got things moving on a lady 27wks pregnant really fast. In the flurry and EKG was done on my heart and after that...is when pure mayhem began. 4 nurses standing over me, none standing still. One jabbing an IV in my arm, the other getting bloodwork, the other putting oxygen on me the other holding my shaking hand as I entered panic zone. I kept saying "what is going on, someone talk to me....what is going on? is it serious?" that's when typically you would be told to calm down and that no nothing serious at all. However...we were not told that. Finally the comforting nurse told me my EKG was showing problems and I needed a specialist down in the ER right away. I completely totally, ashamedly..lost it at that point. ALL I could think of was as we were going to the airport the night before to pick up my mom and dad, Tirzah totally out of the blue, randomly said... "what would we do if you ever died?" and I had blinked hard, swallowed hard, and turned to my little girl a bit dumbfounded and said "you would do what you do right now...trust God. That even though that would be a very very sad day for all of you...God never makes mistakes and He loves you much more than Mommy ever could". She stopped for several seconds quietly. Then spoke up ... deep in thought as only Tirzah could do... and said "Mommy, I would cry every day for the rest of my life. Like even if it was many many many days later and Daddy and I would go grocery shopping or cleaning in the house I would always think of you and I would cry. I would never stop crying." and honestly...the conversation ended there as I squeezed her hand from the front seat of the suburban and cried myself.

Now less than 15 hours later...all I could think of was that moment. I looked up at the nurse and said with all the passion I had "I have 6 babies at home, please please do not let me die" (again where normally you would say "oh no....you are finE...." she said "we are doing all we can Janice!" Of course this only escalated my symptoms and fear won. Absolutely won. In between breaths I would have a flash back of Africa and how God taught me so very clearly that I'm his. Whether here or in Heaven, I'm His and I never ever leave His hand...yet here I am TREMBLING and in complete panic. :(

Transported to the ER with 3 nurses, Dean and oxygen tank following the ER doc was on me immediately. First things first...as I switched from the poor nurses hand to the doctors was he looked at the EKG and assured me the machine spits out false reports way too often and that a doctor must read it. He said it was 100% normal. I think that was my first full breath in 30 minutes. He however said at 7 months pregnant he was not going to take my symptoms lightly and by the looks of my leg and the size difference between it and my right leg, he must rule out a clot. So full CT scan, ultrasound of the veins in my legs etc later, it was 100% ruled out. They had no idea what I had and honestly at that point I truly did not care. I was so relieved. Then...the shock came of what had happened. I laid in the bed waiting to be dismissed and cried on Dean's shoulder for a long time. When we came home that night it took me 3 full days to stop crying at random times. It felt as if I had been given a second lease on life. And very quickly I was on my knees, sadly...ashamed...that I had not trusted God. At all. :(

Nice start to the vacation right?

The three weeks went by with lots of activity. Christmas was wonderful. We played lots of games and lots of games with the kids as well.

In all of this we are now at a record time of Duka not bedwetting. He is now back in his bed for the first time in months and still has very limited fluid intake after 5pm...but has not wet his bed in over a month!!! Serious progress. It was 8 months ago he came home in full diapers!

Mom and Dad left January 3 and we had a great time with them.

January 3 school resumed as well for Miss Tirzah. How you can take a 3 week break and actually read BETTER when you start back up again was a bit of a mystery but one we'll take ;) She's doing great and now that her reading program is completed we are on to the fun stuff and I can't believe how great her reading is!

I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and so extremely excited to meet our little princess. The name is settled and so are we;) My only complaint is at any point during day I can touch the right side of my ribs and move a limb out. My ribs are very sore which is funny b/c I'm not carrying high...but she's right there. And that is transitioning into back pain. It's all good though and I'm almost done.

Yesterday was a pretty high stress day. I hosted a business event and was the speaker ...expecting 50 people or so...to find a packed room with standing room only and 80 people plus three "executive directors" in the audience (people ahead of me...) and that just denerved me completely. Half way through I felt myself regain composure and went for it. Who would have guessed 2 years ago that the girl who barely had the confidence to maintain eye contact would be speaking to a group of 80 people. Not I :)

It's going to be a busy 7 or 8 weeks before the baby comes as our goals are pretty intense and we're definitely working with a "no matter what" mindset. Praying for help. :)