Thursday, October 28, 2010

Looking up.

Things are looking up. No one can truly prepare a parent of biological children for the heart transformation needed in order to attach to your adopted child. Things are looking up.

It's been a busy few weeks. Something that I have loved is that Dean has done several days of the schooling. It is confirmed Duka and Zano are about age 3-4 level as far as what they can handle in school, by Dean as well.

We've had a great fall so far with not one cold or flu (and that is something to be very thankful for when you have 6 young children! It would start with one and spread like wild fire).

Duka went through his roughest spell since coming home...with 6 nights in a row...peeing his bed. Making it worse, a few of those times he chose to lie about it. :( He's now on his 2nd night of being dry.

It's been a rough week. Monday morning I had my ultrasound. Had the u/s tech write the gender in an envelope so we would open it at home, on video, to share with others. When I got home I sat at the computer and looked at, what I thought...was emails from the night before...only to quickly discover I was reading an email within 2 minutes of it being sent. A very good friend of mine from 9th grade to high school...recently married in June of this year...moved to Mexico and missionaries...and his wife suddenly died Monday morning. I was sick. Physically ill. Even in Africa I think I always had words to pray everytime I prayed. But this week...I have prayed without words. Many time. When you just cry out to God and sit. And no words come and no words are necessary. There are no words. I don't want to ask my all-knowing, always good... God...the unanswerable question 'why?'...I just sat in the warmth of his sunshine though feeling hidden by a cloud...and cry. Cry for those that mourn.

Sometimes I've thought I was a little 'too gifted' with a gift of empathy. When you feel someone else's pain so deep you get lost in a world of the grief yourself. A good friend of mine said this week that it IS a gift and to empathize is to BE the hands and feet of Jesus. He comforted those that mourned. He wept with those that wept. He always gave hope. Real Hope. A sure, concrete hope of something better, something brighter, something eternal.

Monday night we, for the children's sake (I was curious...) did a video of opening the envelope with the gender. I, up until that day, was SURE our baby was a girl. At the ultrasound (which was ultra clear, very high tech) I had ask the technician to tell me to look away when she was looking for the gender. She said "ok ... look away... (2 second pause) ok, got it". I said "what?" she said 'we're good'. I said "are you sure?" she said "positive". That was it. I knew it was a boy. :) I was truly 100% shocked when Dean opened the envelope to announce our baby is a sweet little girl. We are so excited and feel so blessed (and yes would have been same if it was a boy).
Tuesday morning I got a call from my OB office saying that there was a concern on my ultrasound..."a soft marker called Echogenic Bowel" which can be nothing, can be something, can be serious. It's worth looking into. The doctor suggested Amnio which I said we would not consider due to the risk (though minimal, it's present) to the baby. They offered other options and one we chose for now is to see Dr. Halverson (same maternal / fetal specialist we saw when expecting Azlan) who will do a more in depth ultrasound to see if it still remains, if there are other 'soft markers' etc. It can be a marker for Downs Syndrome among other things. Basically it's when the bowel shows up bright white like a bone does on ultrasound instead of transparent. The beauty in knowing your baby was a complete miracle right from my Dad's that this news comes with no fear. This is our miracle baby. Not only a precious gift after 2 miscarriages (babies we will one day see in Heaven)...but a precious gift that God told me we would have. First time in 10 years, no fertility medication...and pregnancy. This is our promised child and whatever He chooses...we trust Him at the core of knowing...He. Is. Good. Always. Good.

Tonight at Bible Study my "getting to know you question" was "who is your favorite extended family member and why?". To show you how fragile my emotions were (due to Bethany's death)...I got out a few words before the tears came. "My grampa Procopio. He just was my favorite" and I started to cry.

Saturday morning we plan on heading to Arlington to 'mourn with those that mourn' and show our love and support for Duncan and the rest of the family. Please pray for all the lonely days ahead for Duncan.

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