Monday, September 20, 2010

Insert scream here.

... and yet in the middle of craziness (seemingly) there is peace. Such a sweet friend of mine chatted with me today and asked if I'm really truly asking God for help here. I'm not. So now I am. There you have it. And she is true enough of a friend to hold me to it.

School. Schmool. The preschool program the twins are in is about age 4 level. Seriously. It's wayyyyyyyy too young for Zion. Zion is bored out of his mind so I'm switching him to Tirzah's program. But the twins...I came downstairs this morning and said "this. Is. Not. Working.". Insert scream here.

They simply do not listen. They have life going on in their own little heads and they look at you (past you) and smile but are not really there. The story had pictures to follow along with. Vivid, colorful pictures. Doesn't matter because they simply are not 'there'. So the reading the story 2, 3 times actually helps nothing when the child is not listening. It's extremely difficult, on the calmest of days, not to get really frustrated.

We are seeing some reactive attachment issues with Duka. Peeing again in his bed after 7 days of perfectly dry pee under his pillow....?? There's real, manipulative, on purpose things going on.

Insert scream here.

It's not lovable. It's not cute. It's not natural to feel all warm and fuzzy here. And I don't.

Insert scream here.

But my sweet sweet friend who has a child...with attachment such a help. I never know if it's good or bad that she can pretty much complete my sentence. I hate labels. I hate terms. We will get through this. We will prevail. I will surrender. I will love. And...while I'm at it, I'll stop screaming.

Having Daddy home more has been a big bonus b/c Daddy is no longer the 'tickle monster' but an authority figure that you have to obey just like Mama.

Eating is becoming a complete test of all patience. Duka has never ever ate slower and sometimes completely refuses to swallow. I do believe his stomach is adjusting to his true appetite instead of eating out of 'what if this is my last meal', he will say "I'm full". It's refreshing to see that! The child is so tiny that he can't possibly need that much food!

While on the phone with my friend today I was watching out the window as Duka and Zano start taking Azlan's clothes off. ....? I watched. Azlan did exactly what they said. It's almost a bit chilling to see how the 2 can gang up on 1 and Azlan, as strong as he is, just listens. I waited. They took his favorite coat off. Then his shirt. Then Azlan's lip started to quiver. I called Zano and Duka to me. They stare. Blankly. Mama: "what are you doing?" Zano: stareeeee. Blank. Duka: stare...."ummmmmmmm". Ok. Mama:"why are you taking his clothes off?" Duka:"ummmmmm" Zano: stareeee. "ummmmm". This can go on for an hour.
Enter my life.
Insert scream here.
I ask Azlan. He says "they just said stay still, we are taking your clothes off!". Then his lip kept quivering.

Insert scream here.

God I need you. I can't do this on my own. The kids have definite baggage. Not necessarily of abuse. Of neglect. Of never having to submit to an authority. Of just surviving the best way you know how.

Seriously today my head simply hurt. I tried to think back to Africa and remember how I was so confused about "Though the world sees and soon forgets...we will not forget who You are and what You've done for us..." and I think I'm getting it. Father, please. Help. I cannot do this on my own. I have seen what You have done. I know what You can do. Please don't leave me now.

There's days of confusion and just questions. Why? This was Your choice, not ours. I have never believed in sacrificing our 4 children to save more. Please help us. And give me Your heart. I need a love so much deeper than mine.

"This is where the healing begins...
This is where the healing starts!
When you come to where you're broken within...
the light meets the dark....."

Tenth Avenue North. All of their songs just grab me at the core. They get it. They get me.

Take all my screams of frustration and confusion and 'where do we go from here's and please insert peace. Insert peace here. What a contrast.

The same gift I was ultimately given in Africa...the gift...of one day at a time...seems elusive now. All I see is 'forever'. And it feels impossible. Please give me the gift of one day at a time.

1 comment:

  1. Janice... I wish I could give you a hug.
    I will step up my praying...