Thursday, September 9, 2010

Ahhhhhhhh.

There are few words to describe what I saw this morning.

We have said good-bye twice...way before we were ready...two little babies that you would never know were to be #7 by the amount of excitement in this house!

Losing our baby in Africa~seriously felt like it was going to kill me. How can you do that...alone? How can you do that...with no shoulder to cry on? How can you do that...in Africa? How can you do that...the same day you adopt twins? How...can you survive...that? It was one of the most beautiful times in my life. Because Jesus became almost tangible. I felt His presence. He was real. He caught every tear. He held every shaking sob in His hand. I knew He cared. He knew it was a time of decision for me...would I turn it into distrust? Would I turn it into anger? Would I feel betrayed? I had laid out the fleece before I got on that plane. If the heartrate was over 120bpm I would take it as a clear sign from Him that this baby was going to survive. The heartrate was struggling at 110 a day earlier. I nearly popped off the bed with news of 132bpm. I knew it was the answer.

I flew 26 hours to Africa, solo. I arrived and my first night there...I said goodbye to a baby of Hope. In an emotionless night of laying frozen, talking to my God that suddenly felt far away. Asking questions that felt empty and confused. I constantly came back to the fact that I simply never leave His hand. He is good. Always. No matter how deep the pain...He is always good.

Something happened a few months later that left me completely in tears. 7 pregnancies in 10 years...all on medication. I had medication lined up for the following month of July. It was June. I was reading and praying one night and I stopped as I heard "this month, no medication". It vividly brought me back to an ultrasound at 19 weeks in my pregnancy with a little boy named Azlan Honor. I sat on the table and heard a voice "your baby has a cleft"...after questioning the tech and being asked several times if I felt OK...I laid back wondering if God just gave me a warning. Not 15 minutes later I was told by my doctor that our baby had a cleft. That was a huge faith building moment that would carry me through many days to come. God didn't only know, he planned and he was kind enough to let me know...He knew. He cared. About me.

Here I am, 4 years later....sitting on the side of my bathtub (I know...I have this odd trend of reading and praying in the bathroom..however..it's a very quiet place in our house:) and I hear "this month, no medication". You would think...I'd be excited. Natural response,right? It wasn't. I immediately said "no. No. I'm doing meds next month". Why? I felt like I could 'trust' medicine. I didn't want a big faith ride. Not now. I've done that quite a bit lately...I'm going to go by the seen this time. I started crying. I knew I had a decision to make. Would I surrender and trust God? I opened up my bible to my reading and the verse jumped out off the page "I cried out to the Lord my God, and He healed me" I remember closing my Bible quickly jumping up and saying "I'm just not ready for this". What if I DID trust ... and it was all in my head? What if it weakened my faith instead of strengthened it? Why not just use the medication next month? I got in bed and tossed and turned for a long time. I cried. Finally I got up and said "Ok God...I'll trust you. No meds". A few days later I decided to tell two friends in confidence so that they knew ahead of time. If it happened, I knew it would strengthen their faith.

Fast forward to finding out #7 is on the way. No meds. I have never been in so much shock in my life. Seriously I shook. Then I called the 2 friends I had told. They couldn't believe it.

We decided to keep it quiet this time but there was a quiet peace inside me that this baby...was here to stay.

Today, at 13 weeks we got to see our precious little baby on Ultrasound. He/She moved, kicked and flipped for 30 minutes while I watched.The doctor took a look at his/her brain, heart, spine and even took a very premature check at the lip to see if we could see evidence of a cleft (it's too early) but I walked out again with a quiet peace of a promised baby.

One of our favorite songs came to mind...a few months ago I'm not sure I did believe.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

1 comment:

  1. Janice... congratulations on your exciting news! I am so happy for you and Dean! Interesting how God works... :) :) Oh, and continue with your song references... you keep giving me new music to listen to! :D

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