Thursday, July 8, 2010

Refound grief.

Tonight I relived losing our baby in Africa. Yes 'in Africa' has a lot to do with it. Amazing amazing place...but so far away from my husband and children...to lose a child. I really thought (and still do) that I completely did grieve ... but tonight I allowed myself to feel it all again. I cried so deep it reminded me of hushing my cries in the bathroom of our hotel in Zambia.

A very sweet friend wrote me a note since I got home that was just in sympathy of our loss. She talked about how sweet our reunion was at the SeaTac airport with the twins and all of us reuniting...and drew the picture of what Heaven will be like reuniting with 3 children we've never met.

Grief is such a hard thing to understand. It comes from deep within and the moment I feel so empty and broken...I also feel so whole. It's strange...yet serene. Searing loss. That's the only words that kept coming to mind tonight. It felt like hope....yet taken away. I still remember my sister (Joanne)'s little quote in her yearbook when she graduated from highschool...."Never deprive someone of hope...it may be all they have". Hope. It's what keeps so many of us going, isn't it? Hope for something better. Hope for a fresh start. Hope of light at the end of the tunnel. "without vision...the people perish"....without hope...

So tonight I go to bed...with a heart ... cried out...but whole. I wish you were here. I wish you were mine to hold. Someday you will be.

...Though the world sees and soon forgets...we will not forget who You are and what You've done for us...

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