Monday. Day 9. I wish I was sitting here writing today was Miracle Monday but it wasn't. I'm sobbing as I write this. I really don't know how much longer I can do this. I have had many weak-faith moments today .. .stopping in corridors of buildings...looking up and saying "God...where are you?". I know. Its all perspective. There is always something to be thankful for. Can you imagine being a Jew in the holocaust? Can you imagine looking up into the sky in between beatings and going "God...where are you?". Yeah. I have a lot to be thankful for.
It's the same as when I was about to put our precious 5 month old Azlan Honor into the OR for a surgery that would forever chance the face I loved. I remember being surrounded by beautiful bald children clearly suffering from Cancer in the Ronald McDonald House and thinking "Janice don't you dare cry!!" But on second thought ... I think its ok. We all have our own measure of pain in our lives don't we? For me in that moment...I felt like my world was stopping to say good bye to a face I loved so much. Fast forward 3 years and 2 months. Here I am. In Zambia, Africa. Miles and Miles aways from my husband and now four children. I'm doing what we DREAMPT of doing for years. When we were dating ... top priority things to discuss were how many children we each wanted and if each could be excited about adopting. This was a dream. I used to imagine myself with "little black babies" when I was only 8 years old. Then why the deep sadness? I just had no idea it would take this. Many of you have written me notes that have had me crying...and many have said I should write a book. Makes me smile. In all my spare time right ? :) But when I read my own blog I think "that doesn't capture the emotion I'm feeling" so I just can't put it into words. I feel...loss. And I suppose that's correct since we lost a baby while being here. That alone...if you had said 'you will miscarry alone in Africa...the same day you adopt your twins.." I would have said "i'm not going. I won't do it. I can't".
This journey is showing me what and who should be #1 to me. Its my God. I can justify it all I like...yes I'm a mom. Yes I'm a wife. Yes my feelings are natural. Yes I'm broken and empty and alone and yes this feels SO WRONG to me to leave my family. I did come because I knew God told me to. That's all. I knew when I flew back last time...I remember praying on the plane "Oh God how will I ever repeat that trip???" I knew it would bring me to my knees and I prayed it wouldn't break me. I'm on my knees...begging You to not test me... One cry in a sea of pain....but right now I can barely stand....
Yes I'll get to today. Today. My Miracle Monday. Maybe some miracle I'll never know about on Earth happened today. But I sure missed it.
I dedicated yesterday to prayer. Dean fasted and prayed. And 2 friends that I know of, also dedicated the day to fasting and praying for a day where God's wonders would be seen in our case.
It left me confused.
I was at the Social Welfare office bright and early. Apparantly...too bright and early. It opened at 8am. At 8:30 am the secretary finally walked in. Nice. Then I had to leave the office because ... in Zambia...it seems they do their janitorial work WHEN YOU OPEN your office not when you CLOSE it. Sigh. Then finally Mrs Munga came in. Honestly...she looked none too thrilled to see me. Then it happened. 20 minutes of a lecture. That I didn't listen nor understand-so I was told. She was wrong. I hung on to every word she said Friday. It was she who changed her tune. Later I asked Tanis and her and I agreed on everything... but in the end I told Mrs Munga I was so sorry for basically being a scatter-brain and that seemed to please her greatly. Honestly. Then she thought for safe-keeping she better lecture me again. I sat there like a beaten puppy praying this had a good ending. 2.5 hours after I arrived, I did leave her office with papers in hand. So I guess it was 'happy'. I walked out trying to swallow the lump in my throat and failing.
Tanis' friend, Jacob had arrived and so we drove to the birth registry office. Jacob and a friend first went inside with my file to talk to their contact. They came out then Jacob and I went in. We saw the Registrar General...she was stoic to say the least. Jacob spoke to her pleading that she really look at our file. She told us to place it there and she would see it during lunch and told us to come back at 2pm. We took everyone to lunch. I didn't eat. I had a coffee and disgustingly fat donut earlier. You would think I would get frail in Zambia...not so. I'm not that excited to see the outcome but there's a lot of greasy foods flying around here.
We went back and she said "there are documents missing". Finally she answered us and told us photos were missing (I have asked SO many times if photos are necessary and have been told NO but I had passport pics done of me and the kids so that sufficed) and an "affidavit document and a Petition document". She said it cannot be processed without it. Bottom line is when the file is complete and she allows us to pay our fee...instead of it taking a wk Jacob has a contact that says he'll do it in a day.
So back to social welfare. Oh the lectures began again. She said indeed we would have to head back to Solwezi since Chrissy had given her all the documents he had so her assumption is that we needed to go back to court and get more doc's done. ahhh. I'm serious. I can't even put into words what I was thinking. feeling. wanting. Just get me on the next plane and I'll deal with this later. That was my honest thought.
So we leave. I call Chrissy. Guess what?? He has the documents and for some rediculous reason didn't think we needed them. I told him I needed ALL documents. Everything he had . In their originals. Oh that was the other issue. The lady at birth registry said she needs all originals. There is a problem. Us Embassy needs the originals and told us firmly to only give out copies to everyone else. Fantastic. now what?? ahhh.
So Chrissy 'said' he's sending an officer on the first bus tomorrow morning with the doc's. Supposedly that gets in at noon if his officer left at 4am. Jacob was calling him and pushing the issue.
We came home. Had a nice meal. I was instantly on the phone with Dean. My words? I'm done. I want to come home. I don't think I can do this anymore.
He has been a fantastic support. He booked a ticket for saturday arriving sunday night in Lusaka. Its tentative.As in...we may cancel it and we can with no fees. But you know what?? It made me feel like I have light at the end of the tunnel. Azahria can't come b/c again .. passport issues. I was sad but I know she'll be happy with her sister and brothers who she adores.
I saw Zion and Azlan briefly on video chat and guess what I did?
There are so many of you that have stood with us through thick and thin. Many of you we have not seen for years but you have committed to petitioning day and night for us --- begging God to move in huge ways. We will never forget it. Your notes of encouragement, songs, scripture and prayers have made me realize again and again..we are not alone. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Tonight---everyone has been asleep for a few hours. I think I'll just lay in bed and pray. And beg God again....for hope of a Miracle Tuesday.
Love from Lusaka.
Tirzah, Zion, Azlan and Zahria Peace...I pray everyday for you all. It's almost over. Mama is coming home soon.
Dean-thank you for who you are. For being so strong when I'm so weak.