Wednesday, Day 18
Today was sooo different than my normal weekdays in Zambia. See...I'm kind of done and just waiting. So Tanis had several things to do today...so I stayed home with C, Z and Mika. She was gone from about 8:30am to almost 2pm. Everything went well...I even made Mika cry it out for her nap, she still loves me ;) Ok...hard core, I know. But it works and we are all peaceful because of babies that sleep really well, really early :)
When Tanis got home we waited a bit then got Mika and headed into town. We had to do a few things first then headed to Manda Hill. We went for mid afternoon lunch/dinner all in one. It was nice. Chazano, battling his weakness: bad attitude, had to sit on the chair for groaning for being brought to the same playground. I told him we are always thankful, even when we are bored with something. So he was allowed to go play if he would do it with un-slumped shoulders and lack of grunting and... smiles. He was ready so away he went. :) We are big on gratefulness in our house. Even when things are bad we talk about what we are thankful for.
Oh...funny note...I stopped at a drug store to check out mascara. I know, I know...but I'm not in the bush here...and it's a staple. I somehow forgot my very good quality one...so I was willing to settle for lumps and clumps just to have it. However...a very cheap $5 (at home) maybelline was about $22USD!! I'm telling you...the mark up here....is a little intense. I passed. :)
We came home, bathed the boys and put them to bed. I'm having them count down every day to the day we leave...I'm not quite sure if they get it. Chazano...I just don't know what he understands. Tanis says he does and it's his attitude surfacing...he just looks at me, mouth open, stunned look, like "speak my language". Tanis is very sure it's drama. I'm with her. LOL. I tell him to put his jammies on and he stands there completely like a statue. I tell him again. Zunduka, the peace maker, rattles on and on in Luvale--and finally Chazano puts his jammies on. We have some wrinkles to iron out :)
So we are sitting, waiting. Today...I struggled. All of a sudden I was plagued with thoughts I legitimized...and rationalized. What if -- I can't take the boys home with me on Monday? What if my plane crashes on the way home? What if God just keeps testing me....? What if...there really is no happy ending? To say I was worrying, would be the wrong word. I had just succombed to the idea...that things were not going to work out. Maybe He has a different plan. Maybe...I'll never see my family again. Let me encourage you ... if you ever get to this place...no matter what the circumstances are...to talk to someone. I wrote Dean. I was shaking. Faith-wise. You ever listen to someone else's story and see it so clearly...yet they can't? Dean was firm on what I was to do. Take the thoughts captive and literally cast them onto Him. The verses that God brings to mind are Luke 11:11-13: "What Father among you if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; of if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion?
I needed to get my focus back. A sparrow doesn't even fall from the sky without God in Heaven seeing it fall. He knows my every move and "Though the world sees...and soon forgets... we will not forget who you are and what you've done for us!"
So tonight, reading my passage...I actually stopped and read it to everyone in the living room...because Tanis and I had quite a conversation about Monday's appointment. All the 'what ifs' all the unknowns....
I'll write it out:
May the Lord answer you in the day of trouble!
May the name of the God of Jacob protect you!
May He send you help from the sanctuary and give you support from Zion!
May He remember all your offerings and regard with favot your burnt sacrifices!
May He grant you your hearts desire and fulfill all your plans!
May we shout for joy over your salvation, and in the name of our God set up our banners!
May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!
Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed;
he will answer him from his holy heaven withthe saving might of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we will trust in the name of the Lord our God.
They collapse and fall,
But we rise and stand upright.
O Lord, save the king!
May he answer us when we call!
You know what? I don't have anything to add to that. I have read that Psalm many, many times. But none like today. His word really is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our paths. Every verse in the entire Psalm (all is typed above)....was for me. And gave me Peace. Our petitions?? That God would hear our cry, grant us visas for the boys so we may safely travel to WA on Wednesday next week.
The desires of our heart? That all would go seamlessly right to meeting up with our family in Seattle.
What do we trust? Are we going to trust everything we can see (chariots and horses)...? No. None of this journey has been about what we can see. Nothing has been about what we have. It has all been about Him. Trusting in Him. I have had people say to me "you must be doing well....adopting two more" and honestly, they are missing it. This is not about us. This is not about me. We actually said 'no' to God when He started poking us about adoption. We said "yes, just not now. When WE are ready. When WE have the money. When WE have the time. When its OUR plan" but that was not His plan. It was clear from the beginning of this journey...this was all an act of faith. I pray...sincerely...that you have walked away from our story...seeing God. This is not about us. He has used us to save Chazano and Zunduka from a life of being orphans....but its simply not about us. It's Him.
Tirzah-seeing your sweet sweet face tonight....Mama just loves you. I will listen to story after story after story...sweet girl.
Zion-you are sweetness. I will buy you your blue safari hat. Did you find trucks to suprise Chazano and Zunduka?
Azlan--I found your orange hat, my boy. :) Chazano and Zunduka can't wait to meet you!
Azahria Peace...your "yay" today...ahhhhh. I love you sweet Azahria Peace.
Dean--the one who is holding it all together back home...you are amazing. I love you.
Please continue to pray with us. First things first...that the passports are ready tomorrow early afternoon.