Thursday, April 15, 2010

day 12.

Writing "day 12" makes me sad in itself. I told Tirzah and Zion mama would be gone for 15 days. Here I am. 12 days IN Zambia (14 days since I left home) and I feel...helpless. Almost hopeless. How can the human spirit change so much in just a day? My heart feels right back where it started. I'm just plain feeling done. Sad. done. Sad.

I miss our kids. I want to go home. I don't want to see Zambia again for a long time. No one ever said this blog would be always pretty. Always the right things said. its the real things said. The truth. Sometimes it hurts.

Today. So I started the day with Jacob. Sadly found out he had been waiting in the driveway for 40 minutes! ugh. I was ready the whole time! I was talking to Dean on skype but I was totally ready had NO idea he was there. He said he wasn't comfortable to come knocking on the door. I felt bad. He was fine.

We went right to the birth registry office. Today was strange. He brought his brother Fred. Nice guy. He left Fred and I to go do some things. It was a waste. Fred and I sat for a few hours until I called Jacob on Fred's phone asking him to please come back. Why were we waiting? For what? Charles had walked by and said Jonathan was not in today so nothing was being done. Are you serious? It was all a lie last night?

My heart. Sank. Completely. How can such a deep faith...waver...so much? So quickly? I don't know. It's sad. Just like the Israelites...how quickly they wandered back to their idol worship. I'm no different. How soon I forget. :( If it makes me sad...what does my Father think? I know he knows me and knows my failures and what I'm prone to. I feel like I'm out in the wilderness.

You know...honestly...I'm not in the mood to write. So I'm going to keep it short. Just know that between every event were hours. Hot sweaty hours. Hours of me looking up to the stained, webbed ceiling praying God please come. Come here and help. Help us. Move hearts. Move hands and feet. Move people to bring us home. Please.

I decided to go home at 2pm. I just couldn't face another day of hours sitting there. In the end we are not sure how long Jacob sat there. I just don't know and Tanis thinks he may have wandered off for the afternoon though he SAID he was going back.

In the end...here's what happened:

1. Jonathan had typed up the documents and left them in his computer... it appears he did this late last night.
2. a secretary did print them off.
3. they finally got to the right spot/person.
4. The big cheese upstairs that needs to sign the papers apparantly skipped work for most of the day.
5.The big cheese appeared...and told Jacob he needs several days to review before he signs.
6. He was pleaded with and told Jacob to come back tomorrow morning.

I called Jacob and asked him to pick me up at 8am.

I am not excited about. Not looking forward to it. My faith is like this shakey wave right now. It's got a deep solid foundation, but in the here and now...I'm struggling. What do I KNOW? I KNOW God can do this in a flash. I KNOW He cares. I KNOW how much He loves me and the boys. I KNOW he told us to adopt Chazano and Zunduka and I'm just asking that He show mercy to us...to our state and please hurry things up so we can get home next wk to Pasco.

There you have it. I am going to branch out again and ask those of you that are willing...to not say a prayer...but to pray. To pray as often as you think of us today and tomorrow. I've learned a lot about prayer this journey. I used to pray. Now I PRAY. I storm. I plead. I ask the only one that controls the outcome. All praise all credit...goes to Him. Yes yes...He uses people but it's Him.

Please...many of you have walked with us for miles. Please don't leave us now. We need you now. Please pray for fast, efficient progress tomorrow (your Thursday night...my Friday). I need to see some Hope. My vision is clouded. I can't see the progress. "My eyes fail...while I wait for my God".

I'm sorry this is not an upbeat happy cheery post. This is as real as it gets.

I love you all.
Tirzah, Zion, Azlan and Azahria Peace...9 more days my loves...9 more days. Keep praying sweet kids.
Dean-Thank you. For being you.

7 comments:

  1. Janice, just wanted you to know we're praying for you. Really praying for you. Thanks for the updates.

    Love, Gord and Ramona

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  2. Psa 145:14 The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down.
    Psa 145:15 The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season.
    Psa 145:16 You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
    Psa 145:17 The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works.
    Psa 145:18 The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.
    Psa 145:19 He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.

    We will continue to pray. We will NOT give up.

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  3. Walking with you- through this. Praying for you, for patience. Those of us who have been there done that, we know the frustrations of "Working things thru" in Africa. We know things don't happen over night (ask me 2 yrs into the adoption process). We know God moves in a flash but Zambians don't. Let your resolve be strengthened by this: it will happen, in due time. Namaan had to dip 7 times, Joshua circled the walls 7 times, Peter fished all night. It will happen. Don't give up!!!! sk

    ps. my love to tanis

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  4. Don't know if this will help but try and see it as giving birth... a painful and sometimes slow process that you have little control over and boils down to just no fun especially for Mom and usually takes more of you than you know you've got to give! This is just magnified by a bunch in your situation - but you are "labouring" for two kiddos! Keep your chin up honey and remember Him who endured for the joy set before Him in rescuing his children. Praying that He will sustain you all.

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  5. Praying, no PRAYING, Janice. So anxious for you to be able to hug all of your family again. May God move mountains for you. Sending love.

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